Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
