I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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