I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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