woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
