Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The uberlube is also flammable
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
