I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
