mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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