Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
the night ended with taco bell and tears
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
