:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
