The maid of honor just puked.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
