I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
