I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
