I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
