New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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