I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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