chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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