My underwear smells like fireworks.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
