Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
