someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
