I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
