your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
this will be a night to untag.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
