Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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