My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
