I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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