his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
