toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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