we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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