His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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