I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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