Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
