if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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