Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Panties = found
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
