I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
