dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
