just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
