The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
