why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
