You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
