Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
