Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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