mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
