Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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