apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
