The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I could make wine with my vomit
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Enjoy the penises
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
