and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
