The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
