one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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