And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
