Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
