Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
