My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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