I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
