I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
